Planning for my Funeral

It's never too early (as the Funeral Planning Insurance Advertisement types note) and thus I present you with my funeral plans. I have big plans inspired by dead people the world over, and it looks as though they might cost a bit. I never have any money and will probably die in masses of debt, so I suggest that you start saving now. Because you want to fulfil my last wishes, right? Right?

PROCESSION

The procession will be lead by forty mimes on bicycles, not actually crying, but miming grief as they ride. My coffin itself will be pulled in a black lacquer and glass carriage, by six black horses wearing bridles decorated with black ostrich plumes. The carriage will followed by a mob of hired mourners tearing at their hair and chests, and keening. And then musicians, with lutes. I would imagine that it would kind of look like this, but but with more hysteria. And ostrich plumes.

 

BURIAL

I will be buried in a barrow; a barrow as big as say, Maidenhead Castle in Dorchester. This is an Iron Age fort/settlement, NOT a barrow. Which means that my death will be waaay more impressive than all those Bronze or Iron Age guys (suck that Bronze and Iron Age guys).

 

I'll need to be buried with my entourage of 30 ritually murdered slave girls, my elkhounds Knut and Loki, my favourite hawk and a giant golden ship to carry me to the After Life or whatever. The point is, wherever I'm going I'm going to need a goddamn giant golden ship to get me there. Would YOU deny me access to the After Life? I thought not. Just DON'T alright, or I'll come back and haunt your arse all over town.

MOURNERS

Obviously the Mourners are going to get a great deal of fascinating cultural entertainment from this funeral extravaganza, and they're going to have to get into the act as well -  because they owe me one (and if they don't play ball I'm going to come back and haunt their arses all over town).

In order to really submerse themselves in the experience of the rituals and create a better mourning environment for others,  Mourners will be required to shave both eyebrows off, to wear black mourning clothes for three years and then only dark miserable clothes for three years after that, and to cover everything in their house with black crepe. Finally, it should be noted that lace gloves and veils are very important. For everyone. For the next ten years. There will be the requisite six months of fasting where the general public can only eat dried fish and hard cheese and drink water and I think that the new years crop of barley and oats should be thrown to the wind to represent the devastation and loss felt by my passing.

It's going to be awesome. Death is HUGE!