The best time a bird flew into my house and pooed all over a curtain

I was working in my bedroom when I heard super loud bird-shriek. This was so much louder than the bird-shriek that one would hears inside the house and my first assumption was that we finally had a kaka in our back garden. Imagine me! rushing excitedly through the house and towards the backdoor into the courtyard only to discover that the noise was emanating NOT from a large native parrot outside the house, but from a blackbird that was unremarkable except for the fact that it was in our lounge. The moment I saw it, it pooed decisively on the hardwood floor. It then flew straight into the corner window in a desperate and pathetic effort to leave the room and flapped against the closed sash window.

I wanted to close the door into the rest of the house, open a window in the lounge and hope like hell that the blackbird would find it's own way out while I studiously ignored it,  but instead I used my recently-found powers of responsibility and non-procrastination to remove the bird myself. Using a tea towel, I tried to firmly grasp the bird while it flapped about and pooed copiously all over the corner window and the curtain. I've never seen such a bad case of the anxiety shits from a bird - possibly something that it had eaten in the kitchen on it's way into the lounge had upset its stomach. If the bird had been outside I would have said that it serves the greedy fucker right but, as it was, the only creature getting any kind of comeuppance was me.

Eventually, I managed to gently grasp the blackbird, and as I walked it back towards the front door it saw the opening and flew outside where it proceeded to heave and shudder on a nearby ngaio branch. I washed the curtain and wiped the floors down with some hard out chemicals. How many times did I wash my hands afterwards? I estimate somewhere around the millions mark.

THE END.