The sad tale of Petunia, the tea-cup pig that wasn’t

During the Christmas break, I had a beautiful dream. A dream involving the ownership of a pet pig called Petunia who was pink and lovely and affectionate. Ah, lovely Petunia. She was fairly large and wiggled her bottom when she walked.

When I woke up I subjected Shannon to a discussion of Petunia. I talked about walking her in the city and having a coffee at Deluxe with her tied up under the table. And then I started thinking about tea-cup pigs! They’re adorable! And little!

I thought: I could have a tea-cup pig called Petunia! And she could ride in the front basket of my bicycle! And instead of being a crazy cat lady I could be a crazy pig lady!

It was a wonder that I managed to get back to sleep with so much excitement, but I did thank goodness. I slept in till midday I think.

That day, I thought about pet pigs. I thought about Petunia. I thought about hanging out with Petunia, and Petunia sleeping on the end of my bed and grunting excitedly when I came home from work. Petunia was so real I could almost touch her. So obsessed was I with conceptual-Petunia that I decided to do some research and make Petunia a reality.

It was then that my dreams of Petunia fell down around my ears.

Firstly, did you know how expensive tea-cup pigs are? They’re ludicrously expensive. Also, breeders recommend that you get more than one because they’re herd animals and they don’t like being alone – which ends my plans of leaving her at home while I’m at work. Also, twice ludicrously expensive is stupid amazing expensive. Also, they grow to be reasonably large – about the size of a small spaniel. Also, I have no idea where one can get a tea-cup pig in New Zealand.

I kind of gave up on tea-cup pigs at this point and decided that I would look at kune kune pigs instead, which are equally adorable, a lot more accessible - in fact, there is a breeder in Pauahatanui, which is about half an hour’s drive away. However, kune kune pigs proved to be a dead end as well! They live for like 20 years and end up weighing about as much as I do and dig up your garden something terrible so probably not that ideal for a rented property. I can’t imagine many land lords being totally cool with me moving in with a pig of any description, for that matter.

No pigs for me until I’m a stay-at-home farmer’s wife.

A few days later I saw this picture on Tumblr:

I thought: SQUEE! A possible Petunia substitute! because pugs are almost as cool as pigs, and dogs are a little easier to deal with (insofar as they aren’t as weird a pet as a pig is and are less likely to freak out a potential land lord). Also, it’s a lot easier to find pugs in New Zealand than it is to find tea-cup pigs! And a pug named called Petunia is would be adorable too! And she’d still fit in the front basket of my bicycle!

And then I started researching pugs and OH MY GOD they are a perfect example of the disastrousness of pedigree breeding. Did you know something like 80% of pugs will have to have an eye operation at least once in their life that New Zealand Pug Rescue bills at about $600? I can’t afford that! They’re wheezy and bad for asthmatics and they need lots of attention.

Thus:
Pugs are not for me.
Pigs are not for me.
And Petunia remains a lovely dream.
RIP Petunia.