Yesterday I quit my job and then had Reiki.

I may not have mentioned that I have taken on a job recently. This job was in fashion retail – despite the fact that I didn’t want to work in retail or really any kind of customer service for a moment longer. I seemed to have about a thousand interviews through which I could feel myself lying neatly and enthusiastically and eventually I ended up with the job. It’s a sure sign that you’ve made the wrong decision when you feel a sinking sensation when you’re told you’re employed, rather than the elation that you would expect. My first few shifts (trial, and then three “actual” shifts) confirmed my misgivings. When I was in the swing of things, everything was fine, the banter came easily. However, I had absolutely no enthusiasm about the clothes whatsoever. I found it difficult to relate with my coworkers, and with the customers. Why did I persist? (Why?) I imagined things would get better, that I would enjoy it more once I was better established in the store. I knew that I didn’t want the job at all – I would tell people I didn’t want it. Expressly. In those words. At the second interview I was asked if I would mind working at a big soulless Department Store (not in those exact words, obviously). This is actually my idea of hell - the whole concept of a chain of department stores goes against everything that I believe in and value. At this point I did say that I would prefer not to, but I was persuaded to work maybe one shift a week. She was very persuasive. Curses! Last week I sat through a day long “induction” (read: brainwashing) session in aid of preparing me for my Department Store related doom. I told all the people I sat with at this session that I had no desire to work at the Department Store. After I finished the session I physically ran from the building. Imagine me scouring myself in the shower, hoping the hot water would cleanse the grubbiness I felt after sitting through such an evil, evil tutorial. Tutorial of evil! Maybe three days later I was asked to work, not one, but three shifts at the Department Store. How did I feel leading up to this? A sense of impending doom. By the time Wednesday rolled around I felt sick to my stomach and vagued out on anxiety. I almost missed my stop on the train. I imagined turning around and going home while walking to work. The concession had been moved a floor and nobody had bothered to tell me. I was busting to pee and couldn’t find a toilet. I had forgotten about the uniform code and was wearing a pale pink blouse. When I did find the toilet I realized I had my period and no tampons. I had to find a way out of the building and find a pharmacy in a city I barely knew. By the time lunchtime arrived I was at a point of intense agitation – I had been on the verge of tears for about three hours. I was bored and had no ID so I couldn’t log onto the system or process any sales. I rearranged all the clothes in the concession three or four times – first by size, then by colour, then by story. I intended merely to call Andy and let him know how wretchedly my day was going, but it turned into a major hysterical anxiety attack on my cellphone in the middle of the CBD during the lunchtime rush. I was shrieking “I can’t go back! I can’t go back!” Andy advises me not to go back. I ring the Regional Manager and tell her I’m not going back, I’m quitting, I’m having a nervous breakdown (all this in the middle of town. On a park bench). Anyway, I’m sitting at home writing this secure and safe in the knowledge that I may be jobless but I’m also happy. And, having learnt the importance of listening to my intuition (so Polly Anna right now). If every bone in my body is screaming for me not to take a job, I shouldn’t take it. Ah, and I did also end up with a fantastic therapist who practices reiki. Hurrah for reiki!