A philosophy of Christmas

A couple of years after I moved out of home, my parents broke up.

Christmas immediately became awful. "Christmas won't be the same!" I would agonise, still relying on Christmas traditions that had been established as I was growing up. Thus, five years of hating on Christmas followed, as each year would roll around and I would have to negotiate the guilt-filled minefield of Christmas day. I was totes grinchy. I was "bah humbug". I mourned the loss of family Christmasses and was jealous of the Christmasses of other people.

The grinchiness was a major about-face given that my entire life I had been a Christmas geek, a legacy handed down by my Nanny. Even when I was in my teens I would leap out of bed at 6am on Christmas morning  to see whether Santa had visited. How could things ever be the same if my parents weren't scheming to fill my stocking with oranges together? Christmas was ruined forever.

After an extended (and probably excruciating) period of Christmas hatery, I had An Epiphany. I realised that only I was responsible for my enjoyment of Christmas. It wasn't my parent's job to make Christmas amazing for me and if I wanted Christmas to be amazing, it was time for me to take responsibility for my own good times.

And thus, over the last four years, I have been working at making my own traditions and restoring my inner Christmas geek.

In the pursuit of geekery I have been persuasive in flats and tyrannical in my own house. I am committed to real trees, making my own Christmas mince* and Christmas cake**, drinking egg nog and making Christmas playlists. Christmas Day is an unknown quantity - between Shannon and I we have three or four sets of family to visit - but I can control the peripherals. Thus: croissants and coffee for breakfast and an unaccountably early start to the day.

But, most importantly, I am committed to just generally feeling Christmassy - the feeling of anticipation and infinite possibility that I used to have as a child - and to sharing my Christmassy excitement with the people around me.

My Christmas philosophy then is that you are solely responsible for giving your Christmas the best possible basis it needs to be a good day. You choose who you spend it with, and how you spend it. Even choosing to spend it with obligation people is a kind of choice - albeit not necessarily a great one, in hindsight.

And with that final note, I shall proceed to listen to All I want for Christmas is You on repeat.

* from the recipe given to me by Lisa after a blog post where I mentioned the grossness of suet.

** this Hungry and Frozen one but without the marzipan icing.

Tiny coats and tiny dresses

When I have an attack of the Anxious and Unhappy, the first thing to go out the window is my blogging ability. This is because the only things I can think to write about are (in no particular order): how unhappy I am, how everything in my life is difficult if not impossible and how getting out of bed is the hardest thing in the world. How awful to record my abject self-pity for all time! I write it in my diary instead. Of course, my diaries read as though written by a woman with the worst of lives in the worst of all possible worlds, which is not at all the case. I am torn between hoping my fascinating inner life(!) will only be discovered and publicised after my death, and that my family will open the first diary, shriek at how awful it all is and burn the lot.

While blogging is effectively nixed, my anxiety downtimes will lead to a sudden increase in the production of knitted goods because it's been proven* that knitting helps to alleviate feelings of anxiety. And sewing - I've been working hard on letting myself enjoy the processes: of pre-washing and ironing fabric, of neatly cutting out the fabric and transferring the pattern markings to the pieces, sewing and finishing beautiful seams. I've been so proud of the garments that I've made since I've tried to move my focus from getting to the end of the process to the act of the process itself.

The most recent anxiety spell wasn't too different in that I spent a lot of time in bed, needles and yarn in hand. Best of all, I didn't need to make a decision between knitting myself yet more woolly hats, gloves and socks OR blowing a fortune on yarn from which to make myself a garment. I have a wee potential subject to knit for, namely lovely Bex's new baby.

So, I have been a veritable bootie factory. I made two pairs of these wee double moss stitch booties - one pair from a Knitsch sock yarn, and the other from some (?) left over from from Nat's wedding bolero. Silk and merino! Swoon.

The second pair of booties match the tiny matinee jacket with double moss stitch border. The buttons, which aren't that easy to see in this photo, are wee owls from my button stash.

The little frock is made using Made By Rae's free Itty Bitty Baby Dress pattern, fabric that I was lucky enough to win in Make it til you fake it's de-stash*, and bias and lace from my stash.

This is the second time that I've made this dress. My only gripe is about the construction notes - using these, the dress ends up with a mess of seams on the inside. This looks pretty rough and ready, and it would be easy enough to conceal them. If I was to make this a third time (and I fully intend to make it again because it's crazy easy and a superb stash-buster) I would throw caution to the wind and follow my own instincts in the construction.

Making little garments is deeply satisfying. I've learnt so much about the way garments are put together from knitting and sewing the tinies, and any mistakes/unravelling misadventures are automatically rendered less awful by the relative size of the project.


*By Studies.
*I also made some pyjama pants that are not good enough to show the rest of the world.

The week in Self-Conscious Posturing History (May 28 - June 2)

pedrofins.net

Last week I announced that I was surprised with how little embarrassment I felt with that week's archival selection.

Lest you think that I'm some kind of paragon of self-acceptance, allow me to assure you that I managed to make up for last weeks sangfroid with the selection below. 2006 is particularly embarrassing: I am so angry and pretentious. Ugh, so pretentious.

But, in the spirit of self-acceptance and without any further ado, I present this week in SCP history:

 

2010 (could be also called: the Tumblr years)

• Sunday Awesome - (that's a great picture btw).
• Wednesday List of Ten Things in 2010 updated - I was making a list of ten things I wanted to do in 2010 and crossing them off! I am notoriously bad at this kind of thing, but it's interesting to note that I did in fact manage to achieve most of these.
• Gratuitous Picture of Yourself Wednesday - this was such a thing at the time.

 

2009

• A list of things that are possibly quite awful but that I have really enjoyed doing lately - four years later, I still enjoy doing most of these things, but have run out of unread/listened to Hercule Poirot mysteries.
• Crochet bicycle seat cover - OR Further Adventures of a Crafty-Beserker - still think this is pretty cool too.

2008

• Tasks overdue: everything, all of it - I have no idea what was happening here.
• Mmm tastes like achievement
• North island road trip - Tokomaru Bay - that was a great trip, and Tokomaru Bay still rocks my socks.
• What I have eaten - the week in review - includes a recipe for a delicious cheesy garlicky polenta, that I haven't made forevs and wish to make. Like, now.

2006

• This enigmatic comment: Nothing is more dangerous than an evil freak. 
• A Polish engraving of a tui that I rather liked.
• Last night - I am embarrassed about some imagined faux pas (I'm sure it was my insecurity that was the most socially awkward aspect of that evening).
• New Zealand Content Review Part 1: Dostoevsky's The Idiot - I decided that I was going to review a series of 'classic novels' from their NZ content, or lack their of. This is a dreadful exercise in pretentiousness, but, as I've said before: WHOOP there it is.
• Reading my flatmate's books part 1: Singer's The Slave - not quite as bad as the other one.
• Help me help my stalker - behold, the awfulness of my 24 year old self. The only post that I've seriously considering just deleting. Please don't judge me, I am not such an awful person now.
• 20 hits form a site I've never heard of - leaving aside the fact that I used the term 'hits', why the hell am I so angry?

2005

• Not enough hours in the day - moving to Australia in six days and I was freaking out.

Any idea where this "Nothing more dangerous than an evil freak" quote comes from? Did you ever GPOYW? How do you feel about leading questions?

Oh and: happy birthday Queenie.

The week in Self-Conscious Posturing history (May 13-19)

Filing cabinets, taken for Kenyon Brand and Riggs in 1978 by K E Niven and Co commercial photographers of Wellington. Image held at Tapuhi, accessed via Digital NZ.

I started this blog in 2005, when I was 23 years old, before I even had a MySpace page. I followed the trend of writing a blog that was simply an online journal, but I'd read enough about the dangers of writing material that could be discovered by friends, family or colleagues to be careful to not reveal everything. This means that most of the drama that I wrote about was more ancillary drama than the actual drama itself. I wrote around my own drama, if you like - and in the process frequently wrote some pretty bizarre and nonsensical things.

For some time, I've toyed with deleting basically everything from 2010 backwards. However, that would be ultimately futile (we all know the internets are forever) and a little like trying to delete bits of my own past. Despite my decluttering ways, I don't through out my hand-written diaries - I might have been a dramatic little bitch during my teenage years, but that dramatic little bitch was still me, albeit a proto-me.

And in the spirit of Being Ok with the proto-me, I present: spit-polished and with some additional commentary, a weekly retrospective look at Self-Conscious Posturing, from 2005 to the present day. I've fixed or removed broken images and tidied up some of the worst of the mistakes, otherwise it's pretty much as it was before, mouldering away in my archives.

In 2005, I wrote a fair amount on this week - basically because I'd just started blogging and it was still quite a novelty. I was also into writing about nothing and staring at my navel *teary eye at habits of blogging past*.

• Why I love the bird calls on National Radio
• Why I have a love/hate relationship with the Bucket Fountain
• I just saw Peta Mathias
• A moment at work - includes poem in rhyming couplets about punters at the City Gallery's Rosalie Gascoigne exhibition. I'm sorry.

In 2007 at this time I was mostly concerned with procrastinating and finding a flatmate (if I remember rightly, the flatmate I actually ended up with was kind of a dick).

• Procrastination
• Fabulous dining opportunities on your doorstep

In 2008 I was really insecure and self-hating, so sorry if these posts make your skin crawl. Since that time I've made a VERY large effort to be more positive on Self-Conscious Posturing - and if not positive, then at the least, constructive.

• Au revoir fave boots
• Wednesday List - evidently did not engage much brain while writing this.
• Faux pas - so insecure
• Taking care of your blisters is very important
• Tres emotional

And there is nothing for 2006 or 2009-2012. I was writing these years, and often in May, but not in this exact week.

If you had diaries for the last eight years of your life, would you share them online? Is this an exercise in ridiculousness? Should I give more of a fuck than I do?

Long time no see

I've read a couple of blog posts this week, from Rebecca over at the Domino Effect and Sarah at the Pink of Perfection about blogging, and the whys and wherefores and keeping the love alive. And I guess it made me think a little more about my own reasons for blogging in the first place and what I enjoyed about it. I'm still pretty regular about reading what other people are thinking and I like seeing what's happening in the wider blogging community and I like thinking things and writing them down for myself! I have something like seven years worth of my life recorded on this blog and sure part of it is bitching about the cafes I worked at after Uni and some particularly trying times in my mid-twenties. But - and here's the thing - I still like that I thought things and bothered to record them. And I like seeing where I've been and how far I've come. No matter how embarrasing the thoughts of myself age 24 I like that person.

I cannot tell a lie (and you're probably bright enough to notice) - my blogging mojo has waned significantly this year. Maybe last year as well? I'm struggling to find the time and energy to write after working long days and thinking so much (I suspect this is my first ever Thinking Job). Also, I'm feeling epic levels of boring - I can't really blog about something huge and family-based that I'm doing, and that is effecting my emotions, finances and all the time I used to dedicate to sewing and making and baking and cooking and writing too. I feel closer to seeing the end of the tunnel on that one, but I'm telling you, the thing I'm being terribly mysterious about is a MIND FUCK.

I know that I found it much easier to blog when my computer was set up in my room, when there was sunshine, when I wasn't worrying about big ticket family things. Maybe the issue is all of those things and that I'm too busy living on various levels to write everything down.

The point being - I'm not gone, and I don't have any intention to close this down at the moment. I'll put my bits up as they come to me. Watch this space xx

Ugh. My scones.

Hello, my name is Ginger, I suck at making scones.*

 

I'm posting after my first Baking Club meetup. There are lovely people and tasters in my group, and we get to meet for tastings at a beer bar, so in all ways IT RULES. However, our first task was scones and scones are my Baking Nemesis. No matter how hard I try, no matter how many different ways I approach it - I end up with something mostly disgusting. Dry, or hard as a rock, or unrisen. Nobody likes flat scones.

In the weekend I had a trial run, incorporating all the tricks I'd been told by Fran and that had been mentioned in Baking Club emails. I feel my trial run, although in noway resulting in a stellar scone, wasn't incredibly  bad - room for improvement perhaps.

My actual scones - made at 6am this morning, after an extremely hungover Sunday which had finished with a visit to A&E for the Boy - were TOO FREAKING DRY. Ugh, embarrassment.

Of course, the best thing about having a hangover is, of course, the day of self-loathing that you get afterwards (squee!). So today's post-hangover day of self-loathing finished with me getting the worst score for my horrible scones and then resenting myself for being a terrible baker and embarrassing myself in front of other people who make better scones than me.**

I texted my self-loathing and disappointment to Shannon who neatly put everything into perspective: "So, you suck at scones. Meh." 

This was effective because the guess the point is that I do suck at making scones. I am resigned to it: I will shout it to the World!

My name is Ginger and I am terrible at making scones.

I have tried, but I just don't get it. To be frank, I don't even like eating scones that much unless they're super hot and fresh from the oven. From this day forth I'm going to resign myself to the fact that although I believe I am a fairly accomplished baker, I do indeed suck at making scones. And I shall make them no more.

 

 

 

 

 

*Young Ladies Cake Baking Contest, Francis Miller, 1953 via Google Life Photo Archives. 

**Also, I am really competitive which I sometimes forget - or maybe its more a case that coming off the anti-anxiety meds has allowed my competitiveness to re-emerge?

Packing!

I'm packing, I'm packing! Or at least, I'm making plans to pack and to make a giant bacon and egg pie. I have my pack sitting in my room and I can't wait to put my bits in there. I spoke to Bex on The Skype yesterday, and we talked about how packing and planning outfits for certain adventures is part of the fun of going away on holiday. I haven't planned outfits for anything for so long, but I'm bloody determined to enjoy the hell out of this holiday. Planning is definitely the way to go.

So I need to decide:

• What shall I wear to Hot Water Beach? *
• To the Waihi Museum?
• To Whitianga township for a cup of coffee?
• Road tripping around the Coromandel Peninsular?

I shall NOT answer: "jeans and a giant cardigan" to all those questions. Orrrr. Maybe I will and just bring a huge selection of scarves (a la SIOL challenge).

In slightly related news: I'm going to give this whole "no shampoo" thing a whirl. It came from reading this article on the Hairpin, and I suspect starting it while in the country is probably for the best. I wonder if "no shampoo" will stick? Should I take shampoo with me Just In Case? Is it possible to be more of a hippie than I already am with the crystal deodorant and the Mooncup? Do I smell funny?

All questions shall be answered In Time I am sure.

PS: Dropping my year long challenge because it's depressing me and I just don't need any more depressing things in my life while dealing with coding.

*Swim togs would probably be the most sensible option here.

Neutralising the Ennui (Meh)

I have been horribly afflicted over the last week or so, on and off, with a case of The Meh. That is: walking around the house, flapping vaguely, trying to find people (the Boy, flatmates) to distract me with witticisms, conversation, esteem-building niceness... I can't seem to settle down to do things and am prone to snippy bickers.

I know that this too shall pass. In fact, I have a sneaking suspicion that the maudlin/ennui/Meh that I am experiencing is mostly due to (ahem) a certain time. In the meantime, I've found that some things work better than others for neutralising The Meh and helping me settle into doing things, rather than vaguely flapping and bickering.

♥ First of all, I like to empty my bladder, as you would be surprised how often the inability to settle down is related to bladder pressure. Or, perhaps, if you're more aware of your body, you don't need to do this.

♥ Tidy the kitchen and tidy your bedroom, put on a load of washing.

♥ Eat a lump of really good baguette with real butter smeared on it.

♥ Practise laughter yoga - or at any rate, stand up straight and then put your head between your knees and make fake laughing noises while jiggling until you can't remember why you're doing something so ridiculous.

♥ Listen to soundtrack to Cabaret and sing at the top of your lungs. If you don't personally own the soundtrack to Cabaret the good news is that I made this playlist that you can listen to and sing along to until you feel like the queen of the world (or, indeed, the king.) Dancing is not compulsory, but is recommended.

♥ Open all the windows in the house and let the wind rush through.

♥ Walk. Or run. Or ride a bike. You want the wind rushing through you again - blowing all the cobwebs OUT and AWAY.

EXTRA FOR EXPERTS

Try to avoid

♥ Replying to emails that give you an automatic feeling of Grump.

♥ Having another cup of coffee or an alcoholic drink.

♥ Starting an argument with your S.O.

♥ Going to bed and watching crappy movies.

And then - farewell to Meh, hopefully! If all this fails, the other option is to read a biography for a few hours until you can't even remember where your life ends and where Virginia Woolf's begins.

Also: LOOK AT THE BEEEEAR. This bear made me feel quite good.

via Sabino

ALSO:  A pinch and a punch for the first of the month.

Wednesday List: Irrefutable truths

via Square America

♥ No matter how many times you do the laundry it will never.end. There is no end in sight! For the rest of your life you will be washing your clothes! There will always be clothes to wash!

♥ Enthusiasm is not like hydropower, in that the impetus can be stored and squirrelled away for a later date. No, enthusiasm is like wind-power! When there is wind there is power!*

♥ Your hair is always wrong. But that's ok, because you're used to it now. In fact "wrong" is now your look - as in, your fringe is supposed to look like it has a massive wave in it and you love the fried ends of your grown-out colour! Also, "mushroom-head bob" is so hott right now.

♥ Your landlord really does not give a shit about you. Soz.

♥ Eating too much garlic is fun at the time but will prove to be disappointing about an hour later (when the garlic visits you again and again and again. And, oh hai, again.)

♥ There are more blog posts in the world that you will ever be able to read, so you might as well cull the hell out of your RSS reader now, and not when there is over 1000 unread posts and you have to blat the lot in order to maintain a sense of sanity.

♥ The Want is harder to neutralise than you ever imagined.

♥ You are never so broke as when a really fabulous weekend is about to begin.



*I am not an expert on methods of sustainable power, so just take this analogy as it is and don't try to read too far into it. Also, analogy is courtesy of the Boy.

Dear Blogging Mojo: Where the Fo' are You?

I'm having a terrible case of writer's block. Where has my blogging mojo gone? I do not know. This post, then, is little and introspective.

Today was my first day of school: last night I had a moment of being complete overwhelmedness and had to have a lie down because I hadn't made enough spaghetti for dinner. That is, I was making the spaghetti and staring down into the portion I had made as it sat, in the pan, and I suddenly realised that I hadn't made enough to feed everyone in the flat. And I was terribly tearful about it - I felt moments away from seasoning the pasta with my own tears. I went and had a lie down and felt much much better after a little sleep, a very little cry and some Agatha Christie. But strange, isn't it, how the Anxiety manifests itself? Because that's what I figure the spaghetti tears were all about. I was scared about school and that maybe I had made a terrible, horrible mistake and I was going to be screwed for work and completely broke. Woe! Anxious time!

School itself was remarkable in it's anti climax - as I predicted there were a lot of sweaty teenage boys there. We had a rather awkward powhiri-type welcome that was conducted entirely in English. The food afterwards was a selection of muesli bars and some cheap juice (of which I didn't partake in). I used to go to exhibition openings with the tutor that showed us around the building but he didn't appear to recognise me.

On the plus side: all the girls seem to be very cool people. And I'm learning! Despite the panic of last night I'm really excited about the prospect of learning something new. Also, I get a discount at Deluxe which is like my most favourite cafe ever. And as I've said before, if nothing else then I can work on making this blog super extra fabulous.

I'm hoping that this little introspective blog entry will propel me into blogging again.

What the Anxiety Feels Like

via We Heart It

Hello hello my lovelies. I've been playing around with this idea and I've had a scandalously bad morning so I thought perhaps it was time to put this Idea into Words. (FYI: after two Kava calms and two Neurofens to calm me down, and a large glass of coffee and Coke to wake me up again, I feel a hell of a lot better).

I'm an anxious person. I've always been an anxious person and have been prone to Freak Outs throughout my entire life - and I'm not talking about the funky Seventies kind. The kind of Freak Outs I'm prone to can involve (but are not limited to) hyperventilation, tears, much rage directed at anyone nearby. However, it's only been in the last three and a half years that I've really been aware of what's going on during my Freak Outs and have been able to do something during the early stages - what my therapist would call Being Kind to Myself.

I roughly divide my anxiety moments into two categories - the kind that involves me experiencing a kind of low level but constant guilt over a period of hours or days, and the kind that involves a pretty rapid build up and then me flipping out in a spectacular fashion.

What does the Anxiety feel like? The first kind of anxiety feels as though someone is sitting on my chest. I feel like a bad person but in a general way. It's more of a feeling of inadequacy than a particular thought. I usually wander around feeling like crap and worrying about everything and everyone, until I notice that I'm picking away at myself and demand that I STOP. Some Cognitive Behavioural Therapy whatsits tend to work in this situation - I'll think about the good things that have happened and try to nut out what I'm feeling and find a better way of feeling about it. If I'm feeling crap about something that I'm procrastinating about I resolve it as soon as I can. In this situation I think the best thing that I can do is just refocus and be aware of myself and what's going on around me. Also, tapping (EFT) is quite good if I take time out enough to do it.

The second kind feels like - well, it's difficult to know physically how it feels, because everything is in my head. I feel as though my head is about to explode from thinking so many thoughts - about my own inadequacy, about All The Things going wrong, about every imagined slight... The room feels as though it's closing in on me and All The Noises are too loud. At some point during all of this overwhelming head oppression I lose it entirely and end up bawling in the loos somewhere or (better still) hyperventilating in an effort to stop myself crying. Or holding my breath in an effort to stop myself hyperventilating. Which necessitates more hyperventilating.

The most practical way of dealing with this is again to STOP when the thoughts are whirling around my head. Be aware of my body. Feel myself sitting, standing, touching. Feel the inside of my own skin. Be. Mostly what I want to do is sleep until I can deal with it again. Unfortunately, this is not a practical way of dealing with a Freak Out at work, and to be honest, spending a lot of time in bed I think pushes me towards depression which isn't really the most ideal outcome.

So, that's my Anxiety! It's a pretty big part of my life, even if I am managing it well (and at the moment I've been finding it quite hard to manage it well. So it's like, my hobby). If at any time you'd like to meet my Anxiety in the flesh, you can list my inadequacies to me after half a bottle of gin. YAY!*


*Humour is a good way of disguising true feelings, non?

How ever do you want me, need me etc?

Yep, so anyways, my week of Leisure is over. I am back at work doing stuff that is worked based. But I am feeling relaxed and almost - almost - patient. I'm conceptually quite fond of patience and I think that I would like to incorporate patience into my life in a greater capacity. So far I'm doing pretty well I think.

I had a dream the other night that involved me breaking in to some students' flat in order to use their iron. SCANDALOUS. Understandably, they were somewhat hacked off, because really, who does that? Also, power is really expensive and students don't like to pay lots of money for power, especially when they live in a shitty house on Aro Street. So realistic.

Another recent dream has included me being Nucky Thompson's (Boardwalk Empire) mistress and being squirrelled away because of the potential for political scandal (shocking!). I stayed at my Dad's house and he had a trashy mistress who I didn't like (I think she had a nasty perm or something). Darlings, it's been All Dreams All The Time over here. Must be related to all the the relaxation or something.

Also, does anybody know a good way to stop me grinding my teeth at night? I swear last night the Boy was about to send me to sleep in my own bed. Really, between grinding my teeth, yelling out and whimpering in my sleep, and dreaming fretfully of students and ironing, it's a wonder I wake up rested at all

For Book Club we're reading a Philip Hoare book called Leviathan, or The Whale (see here: the reference to Moby Dick). When I read the back of the book I couldn't work out what kind of book it was or why it would be interesting, ONLY TO FIND that it's amazingly interesting and engaging. I still don't know exactly how to describe it, but I can say that if you have a passion for reading well written and fascinating non-fiction you should hunt Leviathan out. Or perhaps you could give it as a present to someone? I'm not sure what kind of person would like it the best. I know my Mum wouldn't be that excited about it if that's any kind of guideline.

Recently, I also read a wonderful Natalie Clifford Barney biography called Wild Heart: Natalie Clifford Barney and the Decadence of Literary Paris. It was quite wonderful, and I liked the way it mirrored bits of the Colette biography I read a while ago. Belle epoque Paris seems a-ok to me! Except for the corsets of course, those scare the crap out of me, and I feel kind of sick just looking at them. Gag. I like my lack of waist a lot, thanks very.

I've started watching The Darling Buds of May again, which I remember being absolutely wonderful when I was little. Watching it again I came to the following conclusions:

1. Catherine Zeta Jones is gorgeous. And very, very brown.
2. The dude who plays Charley has no chin at all.
3. I love Ma and Pa Larkin.
4. I would like to eat a nice fat goose sometime.
5. There were a lot of somewhat dirty jokes that I mustn't have understood when I first watched it. I wonder if I chuckled because chuckling seemed the done thing? Did I chuckle? So confused.
6. The tarty girl who tries to seduce Charley on the strawberry fields is not really that tarty or that hot.
7. Despite it's sanitised version of 1950s English life, the Darling Buds of May is surprisingly revolutionary in its attitude towards women's sexuality. Which is awesome (I'm working off the basis that the TV series isn't so far away from the H.E. Bates book published in 1958).

And that's all I have to say about that. Pure escapism. Shannon refuses to watch it with me. But I say: ALL THE BETTER.

I've made a second list of my Christmas presents and have come to the conclusion that I'm running behind on organising anything. Every year this happens! I'm now going to have to craft in a frenetic wild frenzy of wild frenetic crafting.

Also: I sewed myself a dress and made a skirt garter. How selfish of me to craft for myself when I should have been crafting for everyone else! Also also: should I be making stuff for my boyfriend's family? I'm going to end up making a bunch of sweets again I can just see it. And then eat most of them and feel sick.

I have to go and have a Christmas-based panic attack now, please excuse.

Something that happened in the weekend

Hello lovelies, I hope that you had a good Labour weekend! Or if you're not in New Zealand or had to work on Monday, I hope that your regular Monday was good and that you had a good regular weekend. I went over to the Wairarapa on Monday and had a wonderful picnic of smoked salmon and homemade bagels at the Pinnacles (about ten minutes drive before Ngawi). Then Shannon, Jo, Mark and I walked up the riverbed to look at the rock formations themselves.

It took me about fifteen minutes to get sick of the rocks and the shingle scree, turn around and walk back to the car to drink cider and read my Agatha Christie autobiography alone in the sun. Now that's what I call a holiday! For reals though, I suddenly got all hating on people for talking and being jolly, and I needed to be alone PRONTO. The Social didn't work so well just then.

Can I just say that I used to be quite the Social Young Miss. Sometime over the last couple of years this has shifted, leading me to my almost hermit-like existence of the last few months. Don't get me wrong - I am super happy to be squirrelled away sewing French knickers, knitting socks, baking bread and watching episodes of Time Team. But it's rather a strange thing to reflect upon in hindsight. I feel like I should say that I need to get out more - but mostly I think I should finish that second sock. And get my driver's license so I can go solo on a road trip. Heaven.

I booked a week off work in November and I am HANGING OUT to sit around at home and be a Lady of Leisure. It shall be so nice! I hope that there is sunshine and that I can sit around all day and write and read in the aforementioned, hypothesised and much desired, sunshine. Fuck yeah sunshine. And being a lady of leisure.

Aaaaand that's all I have today my lovelies. Except, may I note how nice it is to have a bunch of new season's carrots on my desk, for munching? I read this article in the Stone Soup and decided to try and eat more vegies. I'm pretty shit at it.

In which Ginger meditates upon the role of Facebook, wine and biltong in her life

I spent the first two days of this week at the National Digital Forum at Te Papa, soaking up the smart digital people rays and thinking very hard about the Future and the Sector. It was super inspiring y'all! The key note speakers were great - Michael Edson from the Smithsonian, Dan Hill and Nick Poole from the UK Collections Trust. I felt Inspired, verily. This inspiration has translated into

1. lots and lots of thinking about what I'm going to do after my course next year 
2. lots of thinking about who I need to talk to and how I need to talk when I'm talking to them
3. an increased desire to get off Facebook. FUCK THAT FUCKING PLACE.

I am so over Facebook. I've been thinking about leaving a lot lately and really I can't see that Facebook serves any real purpose in my life. If anything I find it a little depressing - like standing in the corner at a really crowded party full of terribly exciting people that I don't know very well. It makes me quite socially lazy. Examples: I have the strange idea that I'm keeping in touch with people when really all I'm doing is following their "public" comments; I find myself RSVPing yes to all sorts of things that I have absolutely no intention of attending; I keep in touch with people I met once and thought were kind of cool, but then never take it any further than a relationship of Facebook-stalking. You never have a true impression of the lives of the people you actually give a shit about either - nobody posts anything difficult, and to be frank I would be revolted if they did. It's just too public a forum for anything approaching real relationships.

And the fact is, I already keep in touch with the people that I genuinely want to be in contact with: I email, text, or Skype them. And if I'm not keeping in touch with them now it's because of Facebook. As I wrote above, it makes me socially lazy.

And so, I'm not doing it anymore. I thought that I would disconnect in six weeks but to be honest, I don't know if I can even be bothered waiting that long. It seems to far away! Two weeks seems about right. Will revise.

Similarly, I tweaked my Tumblr so it's a Ginger Hub. All my social media bits will feed into it, and then if you really care enough you can follow what I'm doing from there. It's bound to be as boring and as self obsessed as Facebook, but at least I'll be boring and self obsessed on my own terms. EAT THAT FACEBOOK DUDES.

(Similarly, the lovely Rebecca at Thrifty Chick has blogged about that new movie about Facebook, and it looks as though she's gone ahead and disconnected herself. JEALOUS).

And now, back to food: I'm so.into.biltong. at the moment. I periodically have these times where I'm more obsessed with eating delicious dried meat than others, and apparently I am crazy nuts about it at the moment. The main issue with this is that eating a lot of (especially garlic flavoured) biltong will upset your stomach, and make you rather unpleasant to be around. True story: I've eaten huge amounts of garlic biltong on two separate occasions with the same result. I find other flavours to have little or no effect.

Other foods I'm obsessing about: sesame crackers, tamari-flavoured almonds, baguettes. And cheese, of course. I made a lot of muesli for a couple of weeks, but it was for everyone else in the flat really and I ended up eating more of it then I'd initially intended too. Although having breakfast was so good...? I struggle with the whole breakfast thing, keeping enthused about eating in the mornings et al.

The "only one" change in my drinking habits is working quite well. I forcibly gave my flatmates white wine last night because I thought that otherwise I would probably drink the whole bottle by myself which would be no good at all. I think I had two-ish glasses in the end, but it was rather delicious. There is just something about having a whole bottle open that makes me super keen to finish it off. I've decided the best answer to this age old problem is to only buy alcohol in separate vessels (i.e. six pack), drink at cafes and bars (where I can't afford to drink too much anyway), or forcibly share my wine bottles. I'm sure the people around me are most upset by the latter decision.

The Anxiety Meds thing is better now. I've changed my pattern of reduction so that it's less of a shock to the system and it seems to be working rather well - my seratonin levels are much better (thanks for asking). It also helps that I had some sleep, saw some sunshine and that my period finally arrived. The pre-period times are the worst aren't they? At any rate, they don't mix well with the non-seratonin times. Take my word for it.

Unfortunately, my Boy has been sick since Monday! Poor darling. I have been mopping his fevered brow and bringing him offerings of tea and water. The Gudwif indeed. There is nothing more miserable than a sick Boy.

Finally: Lizzie sent me this picture by Maira Kalman. I think it's pretty awesome.

Wednesday List: Five Changes That I'm Really Proud of Myself for Making

via All Things Amazing

Come join me on my self-congratulatory binge! It feels great!


♥ Making changes in the way I'm spending, feeling about, and looking at money. This has been a huge achievement for me. For the first time in years, I feel completely in control of my finances. Of course, there's no doubt that I'm still in debt, but these days I don't get that horrible feeling of pure dread whenever I think about it. It feels manageable, and I'm in control of it. For the first time in my life I'm actively making plans for two years in my future and they don't feel impossibly far off and dream like - I'm taking my plans seriously and not just idealising. I'm all: FUCK YEAH. I can save enough for that.


♥ Creating positive habits. The whole habit-making thing for me has been in the past a litany of "bad-habits", including but not limited to: pot-smoking, nail chewing, staying up late and looking for things I don't want on Trade Me. However, in the last six months I've worked really hard to establish some really positive habits; and I'm really proud of how far I've come. Apparently it takes 21 days to form a habit, so I mayn't be there yet but I'm definitely making inroads. The most important rule? If you slip up, just get back on the wagon the next day. My two best positive habits so far:

1. Flossing. Dudes, soz if this is TMI, but I HATE flossing with a passion (I love brushing so I'm not entirely devoid of dental hygiene). Every time I go to the dentist I get a lecture and a huge bill apparently related to my non-flossing, so I made a decision a few months ago to floss every evening (those bills are killer), and I'm finally working flossing into my life as a daily habit. I feel so responsible! It seemed so much more doable to say to myself that I would make it part of my pre-bed evening routine than telling myself that I would do it every time I brushed. And you know what - it's beginning to seem like far less of a pain in the arse.
2. Morning Routine. This really has made a positive influence in the way that I approach the day. I'm a hell of a lot more cheerful when I arrive at work (I'm actually awake) and I'm really enjoying doing something I like before I have to start my working day. It makes the day feel like it's mine.

♥ Making difficult changes, speaking up and asking for what I want. This is a huge challenge for me. While I'm very good at being opinionated when I can stand alone, I have a pathological fear of confrontation. When I feel strongly about something I tend to close in on myself instead of doing anything about it. It's still in a babysteps stage, but this year there's been a number of situations where I've had the courage to make changes that I need to make - leaving Derby for one, saying hard things in my relationships for another. It's defo something I'll have to continue to work on, but I'm super proud of the what I've achieved so far.


♥ Getting rid of my need for stuff. The lack of appropriation of stuff really stems from my need to save money, but I'm also quite obsessed with minimising the stuff I already have. Every time I get rid of a bag of books or clothes, I feel as though I'm removing another weight from around my shoulders. I've said before that I'll never be a minimalist, but I have discovered a new appreciation for having less, and really valuing what I do have. Minimising my things gives me the same frisson that acquiring things used to.


♥ Crafty patience.  At some point this year (I think during the obsessive lace making or underwear making) I discovered the value of patience in my crafty endeavours, and it's given me a whole new perspective on what I'm doing. Enjoying the process while knitting is not really that new for me, but sewing is something that has often made me INCREDIBLY FRUSTRATED - I think because, with sewing, I'm solely focused on the finished product. Patience and enjoying the process has translated into a less frazzled Ginger and far nicer finished products. Awesome.


Are you as obsessed with resolutions as I am? Do you find them hard to follow through? And are there any that you're really proud of following through on?

Anxiety Meds

ello my darlings. I've been terribly quiet this week, although I confess that I had a post ready for Wednesday (about changes that I'm happy I've made). However, given my epic meltdowns of Monday and Tuesday I didn't feel I could post it with any degree of honesty. I normally steer away from being negative here so... SILENCE.

I think essentially the flatness issue comes down to the fact that I'm in the beginning stages of coming off my anti-anxiety meds. My seratonin levels are all over the place and I feel blaaaaaah. Blah like my Melbourne times. I'm sure it doesn't help that I am also pre menstrual and the weather is gross.

And that's it! I'm sure that rest and stuff will be good for me.

So. Much. Gah.

Yes. Another one of these days.
via Yasmine at A Print A Day

I have been sick for the last few days, hence my absence. Today, not only am I still feeling ill, but also I am stupid tired. And thus, stupid grumpy. Dudes, I don't even feel like eating toasted sandwiches.

So, because I am in a relentlessly grumpy mood I'm going to indulge myself and make a list of things that are bugging me today and OTHERWISE MAKING ME GRUMPY SO I HAVE TO WRITE IN CAPS.

• Everything disappearing - my address book, a list things I need to do for work, MY SCISSORS (although these don't disappear so much as get taken by someone in the office not naming any names. And to be frank I don't want to be the stationery Nazi so I never say anything. So I probably don't have a leg to stand on here)
• Messy bedroom waiting for me when I get home. BOO TO YOU, messy bedroom. It's moments like this that I wish I was a wizard or something. I used to dream about this when I was a kid too.
• Horribly faded hair. Time for redye. Before I vomit into the sink from looking at my faded hussiness.
• Being grumpy at good friends because of my all encompassing grumpiness. 
• This zit on my cheek: WHAT ARE YOU AND WHAT IS YOUR PURPOSE?
• Not being able to taste anything because of this stupid cold. Stupid cold I stupid hate you. Stupid.
• Aches and pains: from fluey stuff, in my ankle, in my knee. Yesterday I swear the bottom of my lungs ached and I could feel them under my rib cage? I don't even know if that makes sense.
• My very sweet friend's relentless party spam. I have received two emails, a Facebook invite and a text message. Darling, I know you're having a party. I have RSVP'ed. Let's leave it alone now, ok?

And to conclude: this is what I wish I was doing.

I am going to get my Angry Walrus on and stand on all your BONES

Money - spending - anxiety - such like

some chick called Leigh in a comment on Gala Darling's post

This pay period I've been finding it a little harder to control my spending than I did last week. The novelty of accounting for all my money has warn off and now I don't feel so much thrifty as horribly broke. Even thinking about the unicorn hasn't been as awesome as it was initially.

However, putting aside my incredibly short attention span with such things, I've been doing pretty well in controlling spendspendspendspend urges. And when I suddenly* was arrested by the need to SPEND ALL THE MONEY NOW just before lunch today I was surprised. The more I thought about it though, I felt as thought the feeling had a more physical than mental origin. That's not terribly clear; what I'm trying to say is that I realised, a split second after I was feeling it, that the urge was the manifestation of my physical feelings of anxiety.

Over the years I've struggled a lot with anxiety, and I've worked really hard in more recent times to get that under control. Part of getting the feelings of anxiety under control for me has been recognising the physical sensation of my anxiety before I start reacting to those sensations in my head. That is, I often feel anxious without having those sensations associated with one particular thing in my life, and then behave kind of extremely without really thinking about why I'm doing what I'm doing. In the past I've lashed out and acted totes crazy at various family members and boyfriends and innocent workmates. And quit jobs at a moments notice. Apparently, this list also includes buying things I have absolutely no need for, something I've just this moment discovered! AMAZING, and possibly why I spent so much money op shopping in Melbourne.

How did I deal with all this? The moment that I felt that urge to go crazy shopping, and realised that it was anxiety-based, I settled down and used my Ginger-based anxiety tool kit** to come up with a solution to the anxiety (mostly: a nice walk in the sunshine and some nice calming audio book listening as I walked). I thought about what was actually making me anxious, and it's all stuff I can deal with easily when I take the time to think it through, and to break it down and discuss it with myself.

This whole episode made me think about my budgeting and spending patterns in an entirely new light, and I think that it's a light that's going to help me out with my money situation. I've read a couple of really awesome things that people have written about the urge to SPEND and BUY and I'm going to make myself a little flash card to tuck in my wallet and to remind me to keep on target. Better still, since I know that there is a root to the SPEND ALL THE MONEY NOW urge I can deal with it as it's happening.

*like, TOTALLY OUT OF THE BLUE.

** built up over years of therapy.

Waffle

he weather has been beyond appalling lately, my dears. Right now I'm listening to the rain thrash away at the roof and it is loud and obnoxious. I am out of laundry again despite the ministrations of Shannon; I really must try and make a better effort with my laundry. I've reached a kind of tipping point where I've decluttered my clothing enough that it's become increasingly imperative to keep on top of my laundry, yet not pressing enough to actually force me into doing it. The problem is: too much underwear. Most of it is pretty gross, i.e. full of holes and a size too small and five years old. I should purge my knicker drawer for sure. It's a wonder that I have a boyfriend who is at all sexually interested in me when my knicker drawer is considered. Maybe he loves skanky knickers?

The biggest issue at the moment with my laundry is: TOWELS. I read that really nobody needs more than two towels (one for using and one in the wash). However, I've discovered that I certainly need more than two towels because I wash whites so infrequently. Unfortunately I discovered this after cutting up most of my towels for rags. I need to wash my towels tonight or else I am going to be in Dire Peril tomorrow morning when I want to take a shower.

Have you had a go at that "I write like" writing analysis thing? I've tried it something like five times now, and I get a different result each time. However the first three were: Dan Brown, Stephen King and Ian Fleming, none of who are exactly "literary". Call me a snob but - DAN BROWN??? Death. Absolute Death. This leads me to conclude that I Must Try Harder with my writing because I cannot live with this hanging over my head. Until the writing analysis tool tells me I'm DH Lawrence or Margaret Atwood I am going to be deeply unhappy.

The main result then is: cutting out the worst of my lazy internet speak from my blog. Who am I fooling? There is nothing nice about the use of a cutesy turn of phrase! In fact, sometimes I read over what I've written and feel a little ill because of the saccharine way I write at times. I SPIT ON YOU SACCHARINE WRITING. DEATH TO CUTESY WRITING!

I've finally got together all my papers to send off for my course application, and it's freaking me out a little. Study has been my holy grail of Options for so long that I've stopped thinking about the reality of it and just idolised the concept. But it's struck me that it means: no money and lots of work. Also, I've developed a fear that I'm going to end up getting myself into yet more student loan debt without achieving very much - that is, I'll still be unemployable in the area that I want to get into. Also also, what if the area I think I want to get into isn't the area I actually want to get into at all? And then I begin the Anxiety spiral, which I haven't missed at all.

Maybe I shouldn't study if it will reduce me to anxiety?

This morning in the shower (pre-coffee but still one of the places where I do my best work) I got to thinking about myself in the light of internet feminism (and I specifically link to the reblog post, as I haven't read the actual post yet. It was the comment that started the thinking).

Sometime ago, the Hand Mirror linked to my blog which was pretty flattering (although I guess that unless you're posting angry-anti feminist rants in their comments this is pretty much guaranteed).  And I do read some feminist blogs and have a generally feminist take on life I believe. But I can't be angry all the time; it simply exhausts me. I worry that internet feminism closes out a lot of people through it's rhetoric - Sady Doyle writes pretty much the same thing above (or at least - that's how I interpreted it, as quoted by Emily Gould).

Finally: where does my craftiness place me in light of internet feminism? I believe that it's a Fore Mothers-type thing (as in, I am taking part in Women's Work, but not out of necessity. Reclaiming what has been written out of histories and discarded and now rendered obsolete by mechanisation/male driven commercialisation of fabric production). I am aware, however, that Making is somewhat ambiguous, and am reminded of this every time I read recipes in cooking communities like Recipezaar or Tasty Kitchen - there is so much emphasis on cooking for the husband and children. Not that I'm angry about nurturing or giving a shit about one's family in general. It's the assumption that is the issue.

Dudes, it's a minefield out there.

Last thing: thanks for lovely comments lovely people. I love comments. And lately I've had lovely ones, what a lucky girl am I!

When will the grumpiness end?

And this is how I feel today. But without the cats or the bed. Because I have no cats (and am indeed, horriby allergic to them, as it has been well recorded in this blog).

By Yasmine at A Print A Day.

Does anyone want to tell me something fun and exciting? I would love you forever if you did.