Wednesday List: Things that sound more romantic than they really are

When I was a teenager, one of my main aims in life was to live like an early 20th century Paris-based writer; I couldn't imagine anything more romantic than sleeping in a garret, drinking rough red wine and smoking Gauloises. Oh! The Romance! Life and the reading of Douglas Coupland novels has changed my outlook somewhat, but it's amazing the things I've gravitated towards as deeply romantic that in fact, are horrible.

♥ Working a cafe job while working on a novel. This is not romantic. This is horrible. Coming home smelling of kitchens with coffee crusted into your callouses is not inspirational, and to be frank, one tends to be too physically exhausted to think. George Orwell experienced Down and Out in Paris and London before he sat down and wrote the book; he didn't rush home from the hotel kitchens to write a novel in a grimy Parisian cafe.

♥ Not eating enough as you rush about, so busy with your fascinating life. I am absolutely the worst person for this, but in my defence, I have stopped romanticising it. "Oh! I'll just grab a cup of coffee before I rush to work! I'll drop into this bakery and buy a croissant and eat it as I walk to my next appointment! Like Audrey, in Breakfast at Tiffany's!" Um - WTF? Food is good, and it's a priority y'all. Take some time, sit down, and have a feed. Your fascinating life will wait.

♥ Being fabulously disorganised. In theory this means: silk and lace undergarments strewn over the bed, rising at noon and throwing together an amazing outfit in 15 minutes flat. In practice this means: never having any socks, sheets or stockings; forgetting something very important until the very last minute; never calling your parents (who are rarely impressed by this); and never eating (see above).

♥ Living in a shitty flat while studying. When I moved out of home and into my first flat I decided the best thing I could possibly do was to move into the worst possible flat I could find, because I would truly be embracing my student lifestyle and hideous poverty. I was paying $45 a week. I lasted two months in the dark and damp of Adams Terrace before bailing for an infinitely nicer flat. There is no romance in sitting stoned in the dark.

♥ Following your lover to another city. "Because we were meant to BEEE together! And I can't live without them!" Moving with someone that you love to another place where you both know no-one is incredibly hard work, and an enormous amount of pressure. There needs to be a reason for you both to be there - and if one person's reason is following the other person as they follow they're dream, that's a hell of a lot to live up to. For everyone.

♥ Unrequited love. Gag. Romance novels and movies have a hell of a lot of explaining to do. Trailing around, puppy-eyed in the hope that the cute jock will like you? A devoted secretary to a boss more interested in the local glamour girl? A youthful romantic attachment that you can't seem to kick? Talk about a pain in the arse.

I now open the floor: do you have anything to add, my lovelies?